And the winner of a free book is...

Okay, the winner of our book giveaway is Karin, who posted the following comment:
Hi Keri & Allison,

Love the BBR blog - it makes me think. Keri - love the look of the new web site!
My daughter is 16 (son is 14) but it is the daughter that has me most concerned. I feel like she expects more and more, whatever we are doing isn't good enough. An example is for her 16th birthday earlier this year we told her that we were going to get her an iPhone. Then apple came out with the 16g and she told us not to get the 8g because if we couldn't get the 16g, don't bother. I feel like we are being held hostage and that she is expecting more and more. Really struggling with this right now. Will this book help me?
Karin

Karin, Congratulations, you're our winner! if you will get in touch with me (go to www.keriwyattkent.com and click on the "contact Keri" form) and send me your addresss, I will send you the book.
But I'd also like to respond to your comment.
I'm not surprised you feel like you are being held hostage. But you are choosing to do so. I'd recommend you explain to your daughter that gifts are just that, gifts. It's easy to understand why she thinks this way--our whole culture does, because you can now register not just for weddings but for kids birthdays, graduations etc. But a gift is something the giver chooses, not something the recipient orders. You need to tell your daughter this--a gift is not something you get to order. If she gives you grief, I would take her up on her offer--and don't buy her either. I think it would be a huge mistake to buy her the 16 g. Think about what that would teach her--that if you are bossy and demanding enough, you get your way. Not a good life lesson. buy her something else, and let her save her money to buy her own iPhone. And yes, I think this book will help you--but you will have to think about what you can do to set good boundaries now.
A good rule of thumb is, any time a child demands that you buy them something, don't do it.
REaders, any thoughts for Karin?

And the winner of a free book is...

Okay, the winner of our book giveaway is Karin, who posted the following comment:
Hi Keri & Allison,

Love the BBR blog - it makes me think. Keri - love the look of the new web site!
My daughter is 16 (son is 14) but it is the daughter that has me most concerned. I feel like she expects more and more, whatever we are doing isn't good enough. An example is for her 16th birthday earlier this year we told her that we were going to get her an iPhone. Then apple came out with the 16g and she told us not to get the 8g because if we couldn't get the 16g, don't bother. I feel like we are being held hostage and that she is expecting more and more. Really struggling with this right now. Will this book help me?
Karin

Karin, Congratulations, you're our winner! if you will get in touch with me (go to www.keriwyattkent.com and click on the "contact Keri" form) and send me your addresss, I will send you the book.
But I'd also like to respond to your comment.
I'm not surprised you feel like you are being held hostage. But you are choosing to do so. I'd recommend you explain to your daughter that gifts are just that, gifts. It's easy to understand why she thinks this way--our whole culture does, because you can now register not just for weddings but for kids birthdays, graduations etc. But a gift is something the giver chooses, not something the recipient orders. You need to tell your daughter this--a gift is not something you get to order. If she gives you grief, I would take her up on her offer--and don't buy her either. I think it would be a huge mistake to buy her the 16 g. Think about what that would teach her--that if you are bossy and demanding enough, you get your way. Not a good life lesson. buy her something else, and let her save her money to buy her own iPhone. And yes, I think this book will help you--but you will have to think about what you can do to set good boundaries now.
A good rule of thumb is, any time a child demands that you buy them something, don't do it.
REaders, any thoughts for Karin?

Book spotlight

Okay, it's time for another in our totally random series of author interviews, which means you could win a FREE BOOK!


Today, we welcome author Allison Bottke, whose newest book, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, is really getting a lot of attention these days! Some of you recognize Allison as the founder of the Boomer Babes Rock website and blog, where I am privileged to be a part of her blog team. My kids are not yet adults, but I found this book very helpful--it reminded me that setting boundaries is a life-long process, and I need to be helping my kids to become self-sufficient and responsible at every age.

Allison's story is a compelling one. Read the interview, and if you post a comment or question, you'll be entered in our drawing to win a free copy of the book.


KWK: Welcome to Deep Breathing for the Soul, Allison!

ALLISON: Thanks, it's great to be here.

KWK: This was a powerful book. What made it even more compelling was the fact that it comes out of your own personal experience with your son. Please tell us about that.

ALLISON: For years I really thought I was helping my son. I wanted him to have the things I never had growing up. I love my son, and I didn’t want him to hurt—but sometimes pain is a natural result of the choices we make. For a long time I didn’t understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son’s life—I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices. When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing my life changed. It’s a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I’ve done it.

KWK: How can we determine whether we are helping versus enabling our children?

ALLISON: Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.

Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself.

An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet continues to enable the person with the problem to persist with his detrimental behaviors. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.

KWK: What are some of the most common ways that parents enable their children?

ALLISON: Being the Bank of Mom and Dad, or the Bank of Grandma and Grandpa. Loaning money that is never repaid, buying things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Continually coming to their rescue so they don’t feel the pain—the consequences—of their actions and choices. Accepting excuses that we know are excuses—and in some instances are downright lies. Blaming ourselves for their problems. We have given too much and expected too little.

KWK: So, what can parents do to break the cycle of enabling?

ALLISON: Follow the six steps to S.A.N.I.T.Y.: Stop blaming yourself and stop the flow of money. Stop continually rescuing your adult children from one mess after another. Assemble a support group of other parents in the same situation. Nip excuses in the bud. Implement rules and boundaries. Trust your instincts. Yield everything to God, because you’re not in control. These six things can start a parent on the road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. in an insane situation that is spinning out of control. However, a key issue in breaking the cycle of enabling is to understand whose problem it really is.

KWK: You've not only walked this road, you're still walking it, and you have a passion to help others along the pathway. Am I correct? And what one thing would you like to say today to those along the path?

ALLISON: I do have a heart for parents and grandparents who are in pain—who are struggling with out-of-control adult children. I know in the depths of my heart and soul what this devastation feels like. The main thing I ask parents and grandparents to cling to is this: Do not underestimate the power of God to restore your heart, your adult child and your relationship.

KWK: You say that enabling our children is “a nationwide epidemic with catastrophic consequences.” What has led you to believe this?

ALLISON: There is clearly an epidemic of major proportion plaguing our nation today. This has become obvious to me as I travel the country sharing my God Allows U-Turns testimony and outreach. Seldom does a week go by when I am not approached by someone in deep pain concerning their adult child. It’s not just audience members in conflict with this troubling issue, but fellow authors, speakers and entertainers, some quite well known, who are living in the throes of familial discord concerning out-of-control adult children. It’s happening all over the country to people from all walks of life.

KWK: Where can my readers go for more information on your book and on the S.A.N.I.T.Y. ministry?

ALLISON: Everything you could possibly need is contained on our web site at: http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm.


ALLISON: I encourage your readers to tell me what they think about Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I really do want to hear reader feedback. They can reach me at: SettingBoundaries@SanitySupport.com. Please be sure to visit our web site at http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm where they will find additional resources for helping them on their road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. Remember to tell a friend in need and help save a life!

Okay, readers, now it's your turn. What questions or comments do you have for Allison, or about the book? Remember, each time you post a comment, you are entered to win a free copy of this book. If you know a mom of an adult child who is really struggling, this book might be a meaningful Mother's Day gift!

Free book part 2

Okay, friends. The deadline for posting a comment about "Rattled" is midnight Thursday. I'll announce the winners on Friday.
Mother's Day is not far away, if you have friends who are expecting, this makes a great gift for a brand new mom!
Read the interview with Trish below, then post a comment or question, and we'll select a winner (or maybe two!) on Friday.

Getting oriented

Last night, I cooked dinner for my family. (I wrote about it on the Boomer Babes Blog today) But we didn’t get to eat together. As Scot and the kids came in the door, I was walking out, to ride over to the high school with my neighbors Laura and Jon.
It was parent orientation night. Our oldest kids (their son and my daughter) will be starting high school in the fall. They’ve already taken placement tests, registered for school, and now, we had to get oriented.
Which is a good way to put it, because I feel very disoriented. How did I suddenly become old enough to have a child in high school? How did my baby get so tall and wise so fast?
We happen to live in one of the top school districts in the state, and after hearing the presentations last night, I can see why. The focus is on college prep. Students who lag behind (defined as getting one F in any class, or D’s in two classes) are put into guided study halls to make sure they straighten up and fly right. There are courses are offered at general, college-prep or advanced levels, so that every student has a chance to be challenged, but also to succeed. We’ll be getting schedules with placement information in a few months. We had to turn in forms with elective choices for the kids—and guidance counselors offered us advice on getting the history requirement done as a freshman elective. Perusing the thick course catalog, looking at academic department flow charts, I felt like I was in college orientation, rather than high school.
I sat in the auditorium, between two moms I’ve known since our girls were in diapers. I looked around the room, seeing families from my neighborhood, moms from soccer teams Melanie’s played on, parents I recognized from church.
And as much as I’m overwhelmed by the idea of my little girl going to high school, I felt blessed. Not just because we can afford to live in a good school district (believe me, the taxes are not cheap!) but because we live in a neighborhood that is amazingly stable, and amazingly connected. The vast majority of the kids who were in Melanie’s kindergarten class will be going to high school with her in the fall. Five of those kids live within a block of us. And I know their families.
And that was the most orienting thing about orientation night—knowing that the parents who’ve been beside me at soccer games, driven my kids in carpools, suffered through PTA meetings and grade school field trips with me—those friends will also be here as we journey these next four years, as our teenagers grow and become more independent. My prayer is that we’ll all continue to help each other raise our kids—to watch out for them, to love them, to encourage each other as we face frustrations and challenges that are an inevitable part of parenting, especially parenting teenagers. And by caring for the kids, we’ll take care of each other, as we have for the last fourteen years.

Back to work

I admit it: I love winter. I took both of these photos in my backyard. And they don't do it justice--it really is beautiful.

For those of you who don't get my newsletter (or do get it but would like to comment on it) here's my musings for January from the Connecting with Keri newsletter. (If you like what you read and would like to subscribe, go to http://www.keriwyattkent.com/ and look for my newsletter info.) I'd love to hear your comments or feedback.

Now comes the hard part of winter, when the holidays are over. Here in the Midwest, it’s been cold and snowy for a month or two, but the season is just getting revved up. We’ve had ice storms, snow storms. We’re supposed to get a January thaw this weekend, although I know winter will return with a vengeance. It’s never really over around here until well into April.

I’ve enjoyed the holidays, and spending time with my family. I love just hanging out watching movies, reading Christmas books, visiting the city to look at the lights, or even shopping with my kids. I love the leisurely pace of our lives when they don’t have to get up for school and don’t have to be driven places on a schedule.

Yet there is part of me that longs to reclaim my computer and the quiet space of my home. I am ready for my darling children to go back to school, so I can work without Alvin and the Chipmunks singing “Bad Day” in the background (as it is right now. Again. Sigh.)

While the weather may be hard, this time of year presents a great opportunity to examine our lives, to see where, perhaps, we hope to go next; to align ourselves with God and His purpose.I finished a book manuscript in early December, and a few weeks later, my wonderful agent called with news of yet another book contract.

As a writer, I’m only employed for certain as long as I’ve got another project—this one will take me at least six months. To finish a manuscript and have another project right away is an amazing blessing. I’m grateful. Along with writing, I’ll travel to five states in the next four months for the other half of my job, speaking and teaching at retreats. My work provides meaning, purpose, joy and income. As much as I enjoyed a holiday break, I’m anxious to get back to work.

Perhaps this week, you too are getting back into your normal routine. Back to work, whether that work is caring for young children, adding value to your company, instructing others or engaging in creative endeavors. Whatever “normal routine” is for you, here’s something to consider: how do you go back to normal without falling into the same old rut?

There is no denying that being home with small children is hard work. But I’ve seen many women make it into an all-consuming career. The danger in that is that moms lose themselves, because they forget that parenting young children is a job for a season, not a lifetime. They don’t remember who they are, apart from the role of mom. It also backfires for the kids who can’t help but conclude that they are the center of the universe.

I really think that it’s important for moms to have something other than their children to occupy their thoughts, to give them meaning and purpose. Getting a job, volunteering for a cause that matters to you, taking a class (or maybe even teaching one) can help you hang onto your self during the parenting years.

I have several friends in various stages of the “empty nest” season. Some find themselves floundering—what are they now, if not a hands-on parent? Others are busy “re-inventing” themselves. Which is, I suppose, a healthy step, but one that makes me wonder: what if, somewhere along the way, they had kept a piece of themselves alive by nurturing their own God-given talents? We often find our purpose hidden in our passions. If we’ve spent some time seeking God’s purpose for our lives (beyond the important calling of caring for our family) perhaps we will find that an empty nest would not require complete re-invention, just a minor adjustment.

If you are a parent, do you have something to occupy your energy other than your kids? Something that fills you, invigorates you, challenges you? Something you think God is calling you to do, that fits with your purpose? Whether it is serving at church or on your school PTA, or even just a part-time job to give you a break from the kids and a little spending money to boot?

Whether you are a parent or not, January is a great time to think about how you spend your days, about your purpose and calling. It’s a great time to begin to explore some options. What work is God calling you to do in this season? As you “get back to normal,” take some time to consider whether you want to make some adjustments, set some goals, or perhaps make a fresh start altogether.

Postmodern parenting

Perhaps one of the most misunderstood words of our day is "postmodern." There are plenty of explanations of this term, and you can google it to your heart's content and find all kinds of different ideas.

But at the surface, break it down. "Post" as a prefix means "after."

The "modern" era was the machine age, an age of rationalism, when people basically believed that our knowlege and powers of rational thought would take us to, as that icon of modernity, Buzz Lightyear, proclaimed, "to infinity and beyond."

So postmodern means "after the modern era." Well, and a whole lot more.

Many conservative people tend to wring their hands a lot about postmodernism, as if it were a religion people sign up for, or a force of evil, like terrorism or oh, say, legalism.

Anyway, the fact is, because we live in the 21st Century, we live in the postmodern era. It is simply an observation about where we find ourselves on the timeline of human history. We live after the modern era, so it is now the post-modern era. Now, the term also encompasses the prevailing thinking of our day. And we can agree or disagree with some of the tenets of post-modernism, or not.

All to say, we have to live in this culture, where people around us often unwittingly ascribe to postmodern ideas. It is still very fluid and changing, which is indeed part of post-modernism--our desire to define things before they have even fully happened.

If we don't want our kids to simply absorb post-modern values by osmosis, we need to understand what those ideas are, and even to discuss them. To be informed and intentional as parents and as people.

As a parent, I want to be relevant and authentic. Writer Mary Demuth has provided a guide to help me achieve both with her new book Authentic Parenting in a Postmodern Culture. I'm honored to be a part of her blog tour this week.

INTERVIEW WITH MARY
Welcome to Deep Breathing for the Soul, Mary. Let's start with an important question: How would you define the term "postmodern"?

Postmodernism is the waiting room between what used to be a modern worldview and what will be. According to several postmodern scholars, we’re in a shift right now, leaving modern ideas behind, but what we are shifting to is not yet fully defined. Postmoderns believe that rationalism and/or more education doesn’t necessarily create a better society. They typically don’t embrace the notion of absolute truth, though they reach for the transcendent. They are skeptical, and often question whether science is something to be embraced or feared.

Okay, how does this intersect with my parenting?

The question for parents is how will we mine the current worldview, even as it shifts? What in it can we embrace as biblical? What is not biblical? What I’ve seen in the church is a fearful adherence to what is familiar. So we cling to modern ideas, even though they may not be biblical and shun postmodern ideas even when they might be biblical. Our children will meet this shifting worldview no matter what our opinion of it is.

So as a mom, what can I do to help my kids?

Become a conversational parent. Talk to your kids. Listen. Share your story.Dare to believe that God has much to teach you through your kids. Be humble enough to learn from them.Create a haven for your kids, an oasis in your home that protects, supports, and gives kids space to be themselves. Take seriously the mandate that you are responsible for the soul-nurturing of your children.Teach your children to joyfully engage their world, while holding tightly to Jesus’ hand. Teaching this comes primarily from modeling it in your own life. Do you engage your neighbors? Are you more interested in God’s kingdom than your own? Admit your failures openly with your children, showing how much you need Jesus to live your daily life. You are the first to admit that being authentic might require a parent to apologize after an angry outburst.

So, authentic parents are real--they don’t always have it all together? We're allowed to make mistakes?

Yep! We are all frail, needy humans. If we present ourselves as perfect parents, never failing, always doing this correctly, we show our children we have no need of Jesus. We also set up a standard of perfection—that to be a Christian, one has to be perfect. This can lead to our children creating elaborate facades or hiding behind masks. I’d rather have my children see that even mommies make mistakes, and we all need Jesus every single day.You talk about the twin values of engagement and purity.

Well, that makes me feel good because my kids are highly aware that their mom is anything but perfect! But tell me more about these ideas of engagement and purity.

Many parents subconsciously believe that true parenting means protection at any cost. when we lived in France, we received a lot of flak for putting our children in French schools because the atmosphere there wasn’t exactly nurturing. Believe me, the decision was excruciating. But through it all, I realized that Jesus calls us all to be engaged in the culture we live in, yet not to be stained by it. That’s the beauty of engagement and purity. Abraham understood this. After God told him to leave everything and venture to a new place, he obeyed: “From there he went on toward the hills east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to the LORD and called on the name of the LORD” (Genesis 12:8). Oswald Chambers elaborates: “Bethel is the symbol of communion with God; Ai is the symbol of the world. Abraham pitched his tent between the two.” As parents journeying alongside our children through a postmodern world, this concept of pitching our tent between communion with God and engagement in the world should encourage us.

The book we've been discussing, Authentic Parenting in a Post-Modern Culture, by Mary DeMuth is available now. You can purchase your autographed copy directly from Mary at the link above. I highly recommend that you order it today!

Authentic Parenting

Our culture is shifting so rapidly. Our values may not match up with those of the world around us. How do we parent our children in this ever-changing, postmodern culture?

Mary Demuth's newest book, Authentic Parenting in a Postmodern Culture, addresses that very question. Writer Trish Berg is featuring an interview with Mary today on her Simplifying Motherhood Blog.

Another bonus: if you leave a comment on Trish's blog you have a chance of winning a copy of the book! Plus, check out the archives on her site--she really does have a ton of great ideas to help busy moms simplify their lives.